About opening my heart

 

I noticed that a part of me only wants to write something when I have something nice or good or beautiful to write about, but honestly, this is not the case right now and I want to honor my truth in that. 

 

One of the things that kept coming back to me while being here, is that my heart is ready to open, wants to open. And so I set the intention to open my heart, not realizing at first that that would also mean opening myself to all the ‘unpleasant’ feelings that are there. 

 

So yes, I would say a lot is happening (or opening) internally. I am feeling grief and one that is surfacing a lot; loneliness. Deep down, I know it has always been there and it is not the first time that I feel it- only now life is inviting me to really see and feel it. But I can tell you, it is a real fucker. 

 

And I have been running away from it. Telling myself that when I do this or that, I will feel less lonely. Or when I go there, change places, it will magically disappear. Only, it didn’t work. It is not so much that I am not doing things or meeting nice people- because I am. But it doesn’t matter where I am or with whom I am, the feeling is still there. 

 

And yes, it brings shame and judgment with it as well. “I am in Bali, why I am not feeling good?” “I should be living my best life, why is it not happening?” etc. etc. But maybe, just maybe, this is all part of it. And by acknowledging that it is happening and all of the ‘unpleasant’ feelings are there, I am accepting a part of me. And that brings big relief to my body.

 

Two nights ago, I sat with myself and I allowed myself to feel it. To come back to myself, and say ‘hello’. Soothe me, my inner child, and tell her that it is ok to feel like that and that nothing will happen. I will still be ok, I will still be accepted.

Writing about it and sharing this also helps to acknowledge it. Being honest with myself, towards myself, and with doing that, accepting myself. Accepting where I am at right now.  

 

It is a process, and I am learning. Every day. 

 

With love,

Florine